I thought perfectionism was something I had overcome.
I had started practicing patience with myself and had recognized that not everything has to be perfect. Generally my search and quest for the perfect version of x just ended up taking time away from the things that mattered more.
I became okay with subpar hand writing, with a less than perfectly scripted speech, or a slightly crooked picture on the wall. I became okay with letting those things go.
I even became okay with people seeing versions of my art or writing or body before I had time to perfect it. I was okay with them seeing the ‘me’ in the process.
But I’m learning there is an area that this revelation hasn’t penetrated. – TRUTH
In class the other day we did an exercise that helped us to see the values that we hold most deeply.
For me those values are —- Love. Growth. Unity. Truth. Wisdom.
It became very clear that truth (and competence) are something I value deeply.
Therefore, I don’t dare with my faith at all.
In fact – it is one of the things that brings me to tears nearly every time. It’s the frustration that in this thing that matters so much to me, this area where I believe truth is INCREDIBLY important, I can’t exactly figure it all out.
I’ve learned how to let go in many areas and realize that most things don’t matter all that much. But this matters infinitely.
It matters that I interpret love correctly. It matters that I follow Jesus well. There is more on the line than me looking silly or rough or less than perfect. This is about everything.
How do I become okay with less than perfect in this category? How do I show up with my thoughts and beliefs and opinions when I don’t KNOW.
In the book “Daring Greatly,” the author, Brene Brown, speaks to this well when she says:
“When religious leaders leverage our fear and need for more certainty by extracting vulnerability from spirituality and turning faith into compliance and consequences rather than teaching and modeling how to wrestle with the unknown and how to embrace mystery, the entire concept of faith is bankrupt on its own terms.”
Not a soul on this earth is close to having the mind of God. Honestly, those that espouse to know the truth fully and without error are also the very ones I cannot bear to listen to.
I deeply appreciate those that can speak about what they’ve learned, but openly admit that they don’t have it all. They show up passionately, but humbly.
Further, in their willingness to allow the conclusions they’ve drawn thus far to be seen and evaluated, they open themselves to a deeper level of seeking and understanding.
So I am going to make it a point to show up more, to speak up more. I’m going to let people into my seeking and not allow my fear and uncertainty to be expressed as apathy.
In contrast to my earlier understanding, I’m not saying it’s okay to be less than perfect because it doesn’t matter that much any way. It does matter, immensely.
I’m saying it’s okay to be less than perfect because we all are.
And maybe, when I show up, it will challenge those who only espouse certainty out of fear, and empower those who are also afraid to show up.
